Scattered Thoughts.

Disappointment is worse than sadness.
When you're expecting something, anything, from someone or something and when you don't get it you may be angry or sad. But behind that, deep in your heart, there's a different kind of pain. An aching one. Disappointment. Disappointment over the days you wasted. The hours you spent analyzing and re-analyzing everything. And disappointment over the fact that this thing changed you, made you bitter. When it should have done the opposite.

What hurts me the most...

For me, the thing that hurts me the most is when the person doing the hurting is unaware of it. Here I am, blaming this person for something, that according to them, they didn't even do. A crime that they didn't commit. I might've felt it so hard that it brought me down. Changed the way I feel about them. But there they are. Totally unaware. Oblivious to the way my heart has been trampled on. The question arises. Will they ever realize? Will they ever ask me if what happened to me, what changed me, was their fault? If that silly comment, that ignorant joke, left me scarred? Probably not. But then it's their own fault that they lost someone who could've climbed mountains for them.  Someone who truly loved them.

Bedside Stack. #1

Beside my bed, I always always keep a stack of books. Usually it's three or more. The stack includes : a book I love, a book I recently finished, a book I'm currently reading and one that I hope to read next.

Book I love - The Fault In Our Stars by John Green

This book is one that made me realize a lot of things. Good things. As well as bad. GO READ IT!

Book I recently finished - The Book of Tomorrow by Cecilia Ahern

A quick read. Not too bad. Nothing special. A nice thumbs up!

Book I'm currently reading - The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

I've been rereading this amazing piece of art and reminiscing about the first time I read it. I JUST LOVE THIS BOOK!

Book to be read - A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

I've read The Kite Runner by this amazing author. He has the power to move you with words. I cannot wait to pick this up as soon as I finish The Book Thief.

So there you go. My bedside stack of this month.

Books that make me cry...

Not every book makes me cry. And its not necessary for a good book to be able to make me cry. For example Clockwork Princess by Cassandra Clare has made me shed buckets of tears and its not even one of the most amazing books. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak on the other hand might be my most favorite book. Ever. However, it hasn't made me cry. I've teared up many times while reading it, but haven't shed a single tear. What I'm trying to say is that I have a special place in my heart for books that have made me cry. Reason being that the words are so powerful that they've moved me to tears. Basically grabbed my heart and crushed it to pieces. Leaving me to scramble around to recover them. There are books that I've read that have literally changed me. I've been in a kind of drug induced stupor for days. Just thinking. And absorbing the effect of that book. I admire those people who have the ability to make you vulnerable enough to cry through something they've written. I admire them. Truly.

Hope.

My heart leapt at the sight of the shooting star, hoping against hope that my wish would be granted. It flew across the sky, lighting it up with its burning glow. It soared perfectly, leaving behind a near invisible arc of light.
'So, said a voice behind me.'What did you wish for?'
I was so immersed in watching the path of the shooting star that I jumped, startled. I didn't even realize who it was until I turned around and saw the lean figure, golden brown hair flowing in the slight wind. I smiled slightly at Dan, my best friend, who had his hands in his pockets and was looking at me for an answer.
'I don't believe that a shooting star can grant any of my wishes' I chose my words carefully.
'Don't we all?' He was looking at the now empty sky with no trace of the star. He turned to me again. 'But you still wished, didn't you Tara?'
He was smirking.
And I was reminded of Graduation day, all those months ago, of him hugging me tight saying "WE DID IT". Even then he'd smirked the same way. I tried not to think about what happened next and how I'd broken his heart.
I turned then, started walking down the path. It led to a lake near the farmhouse where Dan, Maddie and I had learned to swim.
So many memories tonight.
'Don't we all?, I copied him. 'We humans like to believe in fictional things like wishes.
'Even if we don't say them out loud'
'What?'
'Even if we don't actually say the words,' he explained, 'our hearts just hope, you know?'
I did know. And I wanted to tell him that but I knew that it would bring on a whole round of questions so I opted for teasing.
'When did you become so philosophical?' I nudged him with my elbow.
'I've always been the wise one in our little trio, you've just been unaware of it.'
His tone was teasing but he looked at the lake, thoughtful.
He went and sat at the little hill beside the lake and patted the ground next to him.
I sat and thought of Maddie.
'If you're the wise one and Maddie's the energetic one - he laughed at that - then what does that make me?'
He looked over at me and I almost gasped. The moonlight fell on his face making his eyes glow, his whole face was glowing. His lips pulled up at the corners and he said a single word.
Beautiful.
At first I was confused,  thinking that he knew what word I wanted to describe him with but then I remembered the question I had asked.
And then I did gasp, realizing that he meant it truly.
Instantly his expression changed to one of embarrassment.
'I'm... I am sorry,' he said, rubbing his hands over his face. 'I shouldn't have said that. I know that what we should... I mean what I want us to be is totally new to you. And it... it... I really don't know how you feel about being more than friends. I know I promised that I'd give you time and that slipup. I just hope... Just. Sorry.'
His shoulders sagged then and he went entirely still. He still had his face in his hands and I knew he was distressed.
For a moment we were both quite.
'Dan,' I began. 'I could never... I don't know how to say this but you shouldn't apologize to me. It's my fault that we're in this mess. I'm the reason you're hurt and I am sorry. I really am -'
'Don't.' He was looking at me again, with the beautiful gold of his eyes. 'What we're going through is no one's fault. Somethings just happened at the wrong time and I wouldn't go back to change it if I could.'
'No?' I was surprised.
'No. If anything, I just know now that I care for you more than I thought I did.'
I gave him a sad smile and he grinned.
'Damn,' he said as he got up. 'I thought high school put enough drama in my life. Now I gotta deal with college drama too?'
I grasped his outstretched hand and he pulled me up. I dusted off my jeans and looked up at him. And I couldn't help it - looking at him smiling and happy, trying to lighten my mood when I should've been the one to do that for him - I burst into laughter.
Dan looked shocked. 'What's so funny?'
'You.' I managed to choke out between giggles.
'You think I'm funny, huh?'
There was something in the tone of his voice, something playful, that compelled me to look up. He grabbed my hands twirling me around as I screamed with dizziness. And I let him. Knowing that my objections would hurt him. And I enjoyed this. This joy and these carefree moments that only he brought. We laughed, dancing and singing out of tune. All the way back.

25 Random Facts About Me!

1) Writing is my passion, as you can tell by the content of this blog.
2) I have an obsession with even numbers. I like keeping things even, like the volume on my tv, the number of sweets I eat etc
3) I love reading. DUH.
4) <--- lucky and favourite number.
5) I trust easily but don't share a lot with anyone.
6) Fave fruit : Strawberry.
7) My goal this year is to read 100 books. I'm on track at the moment.
8) I have an unhealthy obsession with Nutella and Peanut Butter.
9) I love Rawan. DUH.
10) I love baking and not to brag but I'm pretty good at it.
11) I have tons of makeup and love to experiment with it.
12) I have a large pile of autograph diaries, journals, cards, slam books and pretty notebooks.
13) I'm pretty blunt. I'm not mean but would probably unintentionally hurt your feelings with my honesty.
14) Fave animal : Cat. But I've never had one cause my mom's allergic.
15) I just moved to a different country. Away from my family. To an uncle's house.
16) Instagram is my favorite social platform.
17) At my old school I took part in tons of school programs. I've hosted shows/debates, arranged parties, done speeches, and also taken part as a debater.
18) I'm a proud Swiftie.
19) Chocoholic and die hard coffee fan.
20) I'm very sentimental and keep trinkets and souvenirs from trips and special occasion.
21) I've always wanted to learn to play the piano.
22) Fave TV show : The Vampire Diaries.
23) I hope to find someone someday who understands me and loves me for who I am.
24) I don't believe in love at first sight.
25) My goal in life is to be independent and always be able to provide for myself.

You know me a bit better now!
Thanks for reading.

Love.

It's a strange thing. Love. It softens even the toughest heart. You say you won't fall for it. For him. But who are you trying to fool? No one but yourself. You don't know when it happened or how. One day you just wake up and think, "When did I get in too deep? When did I change?" Because that's what love does. It changes you...

Therapy.

I'm still in that 'Retreat' mode that I talked about in my last post. I've just been exhausted. Mentally that is. My way of therapy is baking. One of the many ways to be honest. I love the way everything has to be measured precisely or else everything goes wrong. I love the way it takes my mind off of things whatever it may be. And obviously I love the treats I get in the end. Chocolate chip cookies they were today. They were so yum that I've been asked for the recipe from a couple of people. #proud Too bad they disappeared before I could take photos. My mouths watering just thinking about them. Mmm.

Retreat.

Sometimes I need to take a step back, away from life, from the people in it because if I don't I might burst with all the feelings within me. I retreat, into the darkest room of my house. Sometimes I have music, sometimes I prefer to sit alone. Arms wrapped around folded legs. Thinking. Absorbing. Just breathing. Today I have my phone. Clicking away at the screen.  Wondering about all the things going on at the moment. I can hear my family. Loud as they are. In the kitchen baking a cake. Coffee cake. Kids playing outside. Running from the dog. Television turned to the news channel. And me. Separate. Solitary. In this dark space, where I hope no one will find me. Not yet.

Random Clicks.

PS:  All pictures have been taken by me and posted on my personal instagram.